As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.
In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.
March 2012
1. Our 12yo son is a really good kid – gets good grades, helps around the house, honest & trustworthy, and a very good athlete. However, he has a bad temper and it flares most often if he loses at athletics. He gets very angry at himself, wants to quit, trash talks himself – then he calms down and is fine again. How can I help him get his anger under control?
This kind of reactive behavior is usually the result of a hidden low self image. When he experiences success in sports or school he feels very good about himself which feeds the need to be the ‘perfect’ child. However, if he has experiences which he perceives as ‘failure’ he falls into the trap where he thinks if he is not perfect then he is worthless. The fact that he is able to calm down and be fine again is a very good sign. Highly competitive athletes tend to be very hard on themselves in a way that is inextricably linked to their highly competitive nature. It would not be unexpected that a 12 year old would deal with these feelings in a vibrant fashion, as life can appear much more “all or nothing” at that age. The stress that he feels, real or imagined, is putting a great deal of pressure on him to succeed at everything he participates in. It sounds like he may be trapped in a maze that he has no clue about how to escape.
If you feel you can lead him out of this cyclical thinking, the goal would be to help him to be more accepting of his faults, if not, you may want to seek out a therapist who understands what your son is experiencing and the life issues that have created this syndrome. Finally, if any of your son’s current behavior while angry appears dangerous to his welfare or begins to escalate, we would suggest contacting a therapist who specializes in adolescents and/or sports psychology.
2. My 17yo daughter has always been on the college track. Now that college is just “around the corner” she’s backing off from it, as well as her friends and family. She’s losing focus, doing just enough in school to get by, and I’m worried. She won’t talk to me and says she won’t see a counselor. What am I to do?
What you describe is not an uncommon issue with adolescents who are approaching, what they perceive as ‘their last years of childhood’. For some, the responsibility of going to college or getting a job scares the motivation right out of them. A fear of having all this responsibility ahead of them can explain a sudden change in attitude. Some will cling to their childhood and put distance between them and anyone who they feel is pushing them into the future. Seniors doing just enough to get by after the college application and acceptance process is done is by no means an unusual occurrence.
However, her backing off from friends is not a usual part of that dynamic. Sometimes this is an indication of alcohol or other drug involvement; sometimes it is a precursor to depression or other life issues. Without more detail it is difficult to discern whether this “backing off” is due to an incident in her life (relationship break up etc.), the stress of her previous achievement efforts catching up with her, or onset of a diagnosable condition such as depression. As the parent and the adult, it is your responsibility to make sure that her welfare is attended to. Maintain as calm and loving a demeanor as you can, but be clear that as a parent who cares deeply about her, you will not drop your concern, nor ignore this significant negative shift in her life. Give her as much power as you can in making the dialogue happen, but a clear message that the issue cannot be ignored. Perhaps let her find and choose the place and time of day to have a serious talk with you, or give her the option of communicating by letters back and forth if she would prefer, etc.
It might also be helpful if these feelings can be explored with a close friend or a trusted relative. Look for someone she looks up to or admires to talk to her. Talk to her friends to see if they have noticed a change in her as well. Also, take some time to observe her actions and listen carefully to her words, but don’t wait too long to find out what’s going on. If she won’t go to a professional and nothing changes, then it would be good for to you seek professional help to find ways that will be helpful for her.
Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
February 2012
1. My son will be going into middle school in the fall and I’m concerned about alcohol and/or drugs. In the South Bay, what are kids using most often and what are the symptoms I should look for?
Alcohol and Marijuana are by far the most prevalent drugs of abuse for minors in the South Bay, but many other substances are around, as well, ranging from cocaine, mushrooms and heroin to “spice” and “bath salts.” With all substances of abuse be on the lookout for the following:
Space prohibits an exhaustive listing of all symptoms, but always remember an involved parent who firmly sets clear boundaries and has ongoing dialogue with their child regarding substance use, is by far the best preventative force around.
2. My 13yo daughter has been best friends with the same girl since 2nd grade, but now her friend is more interested in boys and make-up than school or soccer. My daughter isn’t quite there yet and seems to feel depressed and abandoned by her friend. How can I help her through this?
Unfortunately, your daughter is experiencing one of the ‘changes of life’ that is very normal and natural for this age. One of the natural parts of life is that friends change, their interest change, their focus’ change, which leaves us with the choice of changing along with them or finding different friends that more closely match our likes and dislikes. It is very likely, however, that not ‘all’ of her ‘old’ friends have deviated from your daughter’s interests. She is certainly not the only girl her age who is not ready for ‘young adult’ interests. As her mom, there is much you can do to help. Sit down with your daughter and using her interests, plan an event, celebration, or a project (i.e., a beach party, an outing to roller coasters, collect clothes for the homeless, plant trees in the park, pick up trash on the beach, collect toys for hospital children, etc.). Then help her carry out this event or project. Along the way, help seek out and collect other peers of hers that are interested in joining the cause or participating in the celebration.
You may also help find an organization, sports team, or social club through your church, school, or community recreation that your daughter is interested in and can join. There is great variety of places to get involved in that make life seem more important, especially when you are working as part of a team. Kids who just hang out and talk about doing things because it looks grown-up often miss out on great opportunities.
Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
A program that provides feedback and skills training for parents can help reduce teen problem behavior, a new study has found. The program, called Family Check-Up, is short, requiring only about four-and-a-half hours,
Science Daily reports.
The study included 593 seventh and eighth graders and their families, half of whom were randomly assigned to participate in the program. The researchers asked the students about their families’ interactions, and videotaped parents interacting with their children at home and school.
The researchers found the program reduced family conflict, parental monitoring, and teens’ antisocial behavior and alcohol use. Their findings appear in the Journal of Adolescent Health.
“Most adolescents with behavioral problems see professionals after they are in trouble instead of beforehand, which is why this program is unique; there are few preventive programs like it,” Garry Sigman, MD, Director of Adolescent Medicine at Loyola University Medical Center in Chicago, told Science Daily. He cautioned, “It requires either a school district willing to incur the time and financial costs of trained professionals or collaboration between schools and mental health professionals. In either case, most districts do not have funds or interest in this type of endeavor.”
Source: Join Together
December 2011
1. We found marijuana in our 16yo son’s bedroom (this is the 2nd time) – and we’ve grounded him and taken away all his privileges. However, while I don’t want him to feel left out of holiday activities, at the same time I’m so mad at him I can hardly talk to him. How can I manage this better?
Your son’s having brought Marijuana into your house and kept it there a second time after being caught previously is a very strong statement about the intensity of his relationship with that drug and the attendant loss of respect for family values and boundaries that attends drug problems. Some parents feel that Marijuana use is “just part of adolescence,” while others find it a wakeup call that your son needs help/guidance to deal with life without the use of an hallucinogen. Grounding and loss of privileges is appropriate, however, it is not in and of itself a solution to the problem.
It is definitely time to seek help for his problem (continued use despite negative consequences is a clear indicator that he has a drug problem). We urge you to seek an assessment at a chemical dependency program specializing in adolescents as quickly as possible. Make sure that the program has a strong family component. You’re right on target to be considering your anger. Although completely understandable, your anger will not help your son recover from a drug problem. A good family program can help teach you how to support recovery and hold boundaries against drug use effectively. We would not banish your son from family holiday activities, but holiday activities with friends are not necessary given the poor decision making process he has exhibited.
Whatever you do, don’t ignore the issue, or feel you can contain it by a ‘”slap on the hand.” This approach rarely properly addresses the issue. Even if you are a parent who believes Marijuana is harmless, remember this is a child who doesn’t have the maturity to understand the concept of moderation or ‘responsible’ use of anything.
2. We found out that our 15yo daughter’s best friend is posting provocative pictures of herself on Facebook. Our daughter says she hasn’t done this and we’ve checked her page and found nothing. Should we tell her friends parents or mind our own business? We’ve known this girl for several years and are concerned about her reputation as well as her influence on our daughter, (who is freaking out at the thought that we will contact her friend’s parents).
As parents we have a responsibility to protect our own children. But what about other people’s children? While it is totally your option of whether to tell the other parents or not, we suggest you use the guideline of the reverse. If another parent comes to know about something that might be a danger to your daughter (provocative pictures on the Internet, drug and alcohol use, riding bikes in traffic without helmets, etc) would you want to be informed? If the answer is yes, then it makes sense that you help out another parent and provide them with the information you have. Do not add any judgment or criticism, not even your opinion, just the facts as you know them. Then leave it up to the other parent to follow through. Their reaction or how they handle it may vary widely and unpredictably, know that you are not in charge of that, only of giving them the information they need to have. Also, be aware that it is very common for teens to keep at least two facebook pages, one that they “friend” their parents on (so their parents will let them use facebook ) and another on which they really interact with their friends. Too many young people believe that their postings on any social media site is a private event and is restricted to only their friends. They are unable to comprehend that ‘anything and everything’ sent via any social media venue is available to the world. Because you have spent your life protecting your children (as you should) they also are not able to comprehend that human behavior can be very ugly. We know that every social media contains “predators,” but teens feel invulnerable to anyone outside their circle of friends. Checking browser history to see what facebook pages have been visited is extremely important. Indeed, your daughter will be upset if you contact her friend’s parents. However, this will send a very clear message to your daughter that there are some behaviors that are never acceptable and require intervention, which hopefully discourages her from ever considering doing the same in the future. This is a textbook example of the choice that every parent of a teen has to make over and over again: Am I my teen’s parent or friend? Those roles are mutually exclusive. Please be her parent, at 15 she desperately needs that. Being a good parent of a teen means they will often not like your decisions, love her enough to make the right one anyway.
Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com
